Ready To Live, Laugh, & Love

It is a strange thing to feel lost in your own life.  To not really know who you are or where you are going.

Some people have direction, some kind of grounding.  They do x, love y, follow z.

I am not one of these.  I do not have a “hobby”, I don’t have something I “love to do”, or something to follow.  I’ve never been a person to become absorbed by something (sports, fads, celebrities, etc.)  In a way it is strange and alienating.  People have obsessions (Twilight?); I don’t.  I don’t have anything I’m passionate about.

What is life without a passion? My passion wains, fades from things I feel like I am passionate about.  I love my family, but I don’t connect with them.  I am disconnected from people, society.

I don’t know if it’s my weight or not.

I don’t remember things from my childhood.  My dad asks me about x, I don’t know? I have about 3 memories from before I was 5. Maybe 10 from 5-12.  A few of which, are when the cops were at our house for various reasons.  Is this normal? I don’t think it is.  But I don’t know or have any reference, since it is normal for me.

I don’t know if I should be concerned about this or not? Are they connected?

How do we make a life out of our “normal”, when it is so obviously abnormal? People are shocked when I tell them the facts of my life.  They think I am joking, exaggerating at things — I’m not.

I think I used food to cope.  I don’t know, but I guess, so I guess I know then.  My dad was with me 24/7 until kindergarten, he was my stay at home parent.  Then he worked 2nd shift — 2 PM until 10 PM.  So I hardly saw him; it shifted to being with my mom in the evenings.  And my siblings who I’m so terribly disconnected from.  My sister hated me.  My brothers ignored me.

Now it’s different — they almost admire me.  They treat me like an adult.  How do I react to this? I’m so lost.  I’m so different from so much of my family, sometimes I wish I could just run away.  They are stressful.

Some days, all I want to do is sleep.  I neglect my school work.  Other days I’m overly motivated.  I wonder am I depressed? Bi-polar? Is it just from my food? Do I need counseling? Again the question of, is this just normal?

I feel so lost in life that I have no idea in any way what is normal.  My parents aren’t.  My siblings aren’t.  My life wasn’t.  My life isn’t.

But then there’s the concept in society that, there is no normal.  So, how do we create a normal out of abnormalty? what is it to have a routine? I am so lost I have no idea what I am supposed to do in life.

It’s Monday! Yaaaaaaaaay (not!) But, I’ve 2 classes canceled this week, a “professional” event to attend, and fall break is this weekend.  It’s only a 4 day weekend but it will be fabulous to relax a little.  And hey , November is almost here! My worst college semester is almost over!!!!!!!

I actually woke up early enough this morning (5 AM) that I will be able to workout before school (??!!?) so I’m proud of myself.  I’m waiting for my oatmeal to hit my stomach before I get to that. 

My hubby cooked dinner yesterday (GOD I love him!) But unfortunately it was somewhat (who am I kidding, there’s no somewhat about it) unhealthy.  I was only going to eat a little; but he loaded up my plate! I didn’t finish it none the less.  Thankfully I hadn’t eaten much yesterday before hand (that’s just kind of what happens when you don’t wake up until noon) so I should be fine.   I have left overs for lunch today but at least today I won’t have him watching me not eat it all

He also made a deal with me (this man! lol).  I LOVE playing tennis… but he never wants to play with me! He has a job where he’s on his feet all day.  And one of those killer metabolisms all 6′4, 25 year old men have.  So he has no real weight woes. He is chubby but doesn’t care that much.  Plus his diet is s$#+ (literally, fast food at least once a day, soda constantly) and won’t change it despite any nagging from me, so he is rather lethargic.  Video games, anyone?

So ANYWAYS,

Yesterday he asked where I was at with my weight loss (I laughed) - 227.  He said, OK, if you get to 215, we’ll start playing tennis a mandatory 1 day a week.  If you get down to 205, 2 days a week, one tennis and the other whatever I want (I wonder if this includes shopping?? lol)

So, that is kind of motivating! I’ll have to keep remind myself of it.. but I love when he is wanting to motivate me!

Well, HAVE A GOOD WEEK EVERYONE!!!

I am feeling less overwhelmed today.

I got rid of one of my shifts for one thing; YAY!  So now just Sun, Tues, Sat this week.

I had a mini-binge yesterday.  BUT I stopped 1/2 way through the slice of cake I was eating and threw the rest out. Woo! It was left over birthday cake which had been sitting in the kitchen for a week. I didn’t really eat anything other than that for dinner though so maybe it  will balance out? lol

Today was great.  I did some cleaning. I took a long nap, lol, accidentally. BUT when you fall asleep sitting up on the couch that’s probably a sign right?

So I’m hoping to go to bed semi-early (by midnight) and try super, super hard to wake up and workout before classes tomorrow.  I always set alarms but it never works!! I keep trying…

Got a fair amount of homework done.  Not as much as I wanted *but* it is OK.  Trying not to stress myself out, right?

I’ve food for this week ready to go. I’m pumped!!

I’m going to start a Vision book too.. I read about a vision board and I’m gonna do a book. It’ll be good I think to look back through on a fairly regular basis to remind myself of where I’m going!

Love you all and thanks for the constant support.

I am so terribly overwhelmed with life right now.

School and work are killing me.  I wish that I could just not work but unfortunately that isn’t an option.

I feel like I live on coffee. I am constantly going and still so far behind on what I need to do.  I need to get caught up but even when I do have time, it’s like I don’t know where to begin so I procrastinate.

I’m in class from 8 AM -6 PM MWF.  Meaning I get to school around 7:30 (waking up at 6:30), get home around 6:30, eat dinner anywhere from 7-8 PM, maybe do a little homework, pass out by 10.

TTH, I work 7-1.  So I get up at 6:30.  Get home around 1:30.  By 2 I’ve eaten lunch; time to work one homework. Dinner around 6.  Maybe some more homework, housework, or a little time for hubby, Who I rarely see.  Pass out around 10 again.

I also work Sat 7-3:30.  Sundays are a catchup day if I’m lucky

He is off 2 days a week; usually mwf when I am in class.  He usually closes 2 nights a week — meaning he leaves when I am getting off work and doesn’t get home until 12 Pm — usually after I am asleep.

I’m getting worn out trying to get by, let alone control my food and lose weight.

I’m working with it.

I’ve also been getting 3-4 headaches a week, and had what I believe was either a gallbladder/pancreas inflammation.  BUT now that I know that’s what it is and have been watching my diet more (no fried food) I feel better (this is since Wednesday; also no headaches since then! woo!)

I’m lost.  I feel like I don’t know who I am most of the time.  I need to get my power, drive, motivation, faith back.  I need to love myself.

How do you do this when most of the time it’s like you barely have time to breathe? *sigh*

I could do it all….and never see my husband…. or I can try to just do some things…and be able to spend a little time with him.

But when you’re used to being a straight A student, perfectionist, how can you let things slide?

I’m a perfectionist in all aspects of my life except for my health.  How do you let go of things like grades? I don’t know how to do it.

I have been tracking my calories lately on www.LiveStrong.com and I’ve noticed something…

I’m eating a totally ridiculous amount of SUGAR.  My recommended is about 35 grams a day– most days, my total is over 100g.

I am craving it too.  I need to get this under control.

One issue: I have a 4 hr class from 1:30-5:30 MWF — and my professor doesn’t allow food.  I eat lunch around 12 since breakfast is around 7.  So, 1:30-5:30 is hard, without munching.

I’ve been getting around it by drinking Bolthouse smoothies — but they are about 50g of sugar a piece. Anyone have any recommendations here? I need some cals in the afternoon that I can drink?

So, less sugar… is necessary. I’m wondering if it’s best to ween off or stop cold turkey…I am a bit lost.

Sigh! Not much else now.

So, in order to keep myself umm, more focused (less slacking :D) I am going to limit my forum time.  I love my groups but I waste too much time on there that could be used in other places (homework, working out, etc ;)).

I’m going to transition into blogging — my way of keeping in touch with all of my lovely buddies.  I will probably read over the forums on weekends, but I doubt I’ll post.

This will be hard for me. I’ve been on BS forums for 2 years now.  Sigh.  But, I need to put my time where it should be, and work on school and bettering myself.

I’ve a few phrases now I use with myself. #1 “I may not reach perfection but I’ll get pretty damn close”  #2 “Time to recommit myself to me” and others.. but those help to keep me a little more focused.

I’m going to have a busy semester.  I need to work on (1) healthy eating and (2) making time to workout.  I have time I just don’t use it properly (watched 4 episodes of Weeds yesterday……yet the treadmill is dusty? lol)

So far for my semester, it looks like this.
1 group project
3 minor writing assignments (one a job application, lol)
3 architecture projects (including the one I’ve due in a week)
2 term papers
One drawing
One major presentation

& tests
The presentation and one term paper is for a class that has literally 3 people.. and the other two are graduate students. I am intimidated.

I want to put 100% effort into both my term papers so they really reflect me and my work.  So, I’m starting the one NOW - it is due December 1st.  I know I can write a damn good paper if I try.

This is one major reason I need to limit my forum time.  I’ll be on there not reading.

So, if you need me you can find me here…. Or email or text.  If you want either of those let me know.. I check my email like crazy.  My professors are not unknown for emailing us 5 min before class about something, so it is a lifeline for me.

I am going to miss the day to day contact I apologize to all my wonderful buddies.  But you know where to find me. I will try to update at least every other day with blogs!!

All you have to do is harass people on the internet? Seriously at 41 years old? GET A FUCKING LIFE.

If ya’ll see the idiot, report her as harassment

Have a nice day all!!

… And physically sick.

Read more »

foruminstruction.pdf

AM Yoga
Work 12:30-9

Work 11-6:30
PM Gym

AM Walk
Work 12:30-9

AM Gym
Work 12:30-9

Off - Packing

Off - Moving

Off - Unpacking

thisweek.pdf